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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
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All the words to you..
Places we saw-
how about this day-
This night must not have meant much-
I guess these didn't either-
Have your fun while it lasts.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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Dear Teenage Life,
How quickly you have come and gone. We have had our share of times, to say in the least. The good times and life changing moments are shadowed by the awful lows and the countless nights of despair. However, I have to say that when I look back on everything, I learned a lot from you.
I learned that girls don’t always like it when you douse yourself in CVS brand cologne. Shaving without cream is also a bad idea. I learned that fashion and popular trend are worthless and trivial- changing with each passing day. Women can sometimes be the same way. I learned the value of a hard days work. You taught me that it’s alright to have zits because they add texture and excitement to my face. I learned to become less self-aware and self-centered and focus on things that really affect me and those around. I also learned that absolutely nothing of value comes with out a fight—and sometimes that fight is one nasty mess that is seemingly endless. I felt the icy chills of despair, the long desolate walks through my mind, and the ever present fear of taking a step I wasn’t meant to take. I’ve spit back at the pouring rain. I’ve seen death and destruction and senseless acts of violence. Most importantly, you taught me that people are better at a distance.
These days I’m still finding out how to hold on to my ideals and values while being a semi-functional member of society; no matter how much I detest and disagree with it’s gruesome and disgusting emphasis on possession, property, and privilege. I’m recycling my hatred into a positive, motivating force.
I am learning that art is one of the most powerful forces known to man. You can speak ten thousand words without an utterance. I’ve found that the most valuable art is that which you must dig deep and search for. Most importantly, I see now that I have to create for myself—the moment I begin fitting others into the equation I am swallowed whole.
I’m putting away childish things and I am conquering fears. I am taking my potential and turning it into pure, razor sharp skill. I am strong and calloused by time. The brevity of life speaks to me at the end of each passing day.
The most valuable lesson that I have learned and continue to learn each day is the power of love. There is no darkness, no hatred, no malice, evil, nor cruel intent that cannot be overcome by love. The love of a mother, a God, a woman, and a fellow man. They are all powerful in their own right. I am amazed and a bit fearful of the transformation that love can make you undergo. It can take you lower and deeper than Jack Cousteau would ever venture or higher than the tallest of mountains. I would travel thousands of miles for love—about 3,000 to be exact.
Each day is and will continue to be a struggle. I am sure of this. But I would not change a damned thing that has happened these past twenty years. Each lesson you have taught me, every feeling, and ounce of pain has turned me into the man I am today.
So, I’ll pick up here, hold my head high, and walk on in this endless desert. I’ll question and I’ll wonder. I’m going to fight with every single ounce of blood and bone in my body for the people and things that I cherish. The woman that I love will hold a place higher than no other human being. The art that I create will be pure and honest. I’ll be in awe of the beauty of life and at ease in my last breaths. I’ll believe in what I know and know for goddamn sure what I believe. I am a man and I am finally satisfied with who I have become. Whatever this life has in store, be well aware that I am prepared and willing to stand my ground. Bring it on.
- Kyle
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 20th, 2006
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There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall and so many laws to keep you from experience. All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.
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Sunday, October 15th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | tv on the radio. |
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i miss my woman
if i had anything else to say, i would. that's all.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
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It is painfully obvious that my generation is one of intense and excessive narcissism. Society is changing, and so are people. It's all happening at an incredibly fast pace. So fast that I think pretty much everyone is losing track and overlooking a horrifying reality.
There is so much vanity and self-admiration injected through mediums such as newspapers, music, radio, politics, religion, and yes, even television that it is alarming. People are becoming more self conscious- feeling and thinking lower about they're appearances. It's hard to exist apart from the beautiful people splattered throughout movies, television, and magazine covers. It is even harder to deny the fakeness of it. What happens when we don't accept that these images and people are unrealistic, is that we begin to compare ourselves with them and create an unhealthy view of ourselves. After so much of this self-loathing people become selfish and unempathetic of those around.
My point is, people only care about themselves these days. No one understands inconvenience, no one understands going through hell to get to heaven, and no one understands facing consequences. As people grow dumber and dumber, directing more and more attention themselves each day, they lose sight of the things that really matter. They're socially unconscious, irresponsible, and worst of all- apathetic. Everyone has turned their lives into some sort of strange reality t.v. show.
Would it be too much to say that the government enjoys this downward spiral? It is obvious that an apathetic, socially unaware body of people are easy to govern, easy to deceive, and easy to manipulate. Just like lambs for the slaughter.
Duke Ellington once said that the greatest freedom is the freedom from the fear of doing something that will benefit someone other than yourself.
He's right. Stop living for yourself, and stop being selfish. Notice the realities of the world around you. Open your eyes.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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It is painfully obvious that my generation is one of intense and excessive narcissism. Society is changing, and so are people. It's all happening at an incredibly fast pace. So fast that I think pretty much everyone is losing track and overlooking a horrifying reality.
There is so much vanity and self-admiration injected through mediums such as newspapers, music, radio, politics, religion, and yes, even television that it is alarming. People are becoming more self conscious- feeling and thinking lower about they're appearances. It's hard to exist apart from the beautiful people splattered throughout movies, television, and magazine covers. It is even harder to deny the fakeness of it. What happens when we don't accept that these images and people are unrealistic, is that we begin to compare ourselves with them and create an unhealthy view of ourselves. After so much of this self-loathing people become selfish and unempathetic of those around.
My point is, people only care about themselves these days. No one understands inconvenience, no one understands going through hell to get to heaven, and no one understands facing consequences. As people grow dumber and dumber, directing more and more attention themselves each day, they lose sight of the things that really matter. They're socially unconscious, irresponsible, and worst of all- apathetic. Everyone has turned their lives into some sort of strange reality t.v. show.
Would it be too much to say that the government enjoys this downward spiral? It is obvious that an apathetic, socially unaware body of people are easy to govern, easy to deceive, and easy to manipulate. Just like lambs for the slaughter.
Duke Ellington once said that the greatest freedom is the freedom from the fear of doing something that will benefit someone other than yourself.
He's right. Stop living for yourself, and stop being selfish. Notice the realities of the world around you. Open your eyes.
are
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 11th, 2006
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| Time: | 2:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. | | Music: | everly brothers. |
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a week ago I was pulled apart from something that I cannot replace. It is cruel and it is unfair and it is difficult. Maybe it's a test? I don't know. Whatever it may be, it's not right. I'll just continue on in my little life, because at the moment it is all I have. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought, the hope, and the faith that one day things will be as they should.
I'm off to work.
I would give it to you if I could
This too
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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I'm in California. I'm sitting in a resturaunt at the moment. A few hours ago i was in front of the most beautiful scenery i have ever witnessed. I saw a volcano. It was amazing. I cannot believe the amount of depth and beauty that this place has to offer. The world is full of imprints and traces of an unknown Power. There is no question in my mind that a God exists and that He is real. I'm not worried about the details at the moment. I dont care about theology or metaphysics or probability. The helpless yet completely hopeful realization only comes when you are exposed to such images. Everything is aesthetically pleasing. Realize this and your life will become greater with each day.
until next time.......
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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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Hello Insomnia, I thought I should check in with you. I believe it has been a while since we last spoke. In fact, I don’t think that we even make it a point to speak anymore. It seems as though you are always around but we try to avoid confrontation. Who can blame us?
I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for the memories. Thanks for taking on such a large role in my life. Thank you for filling my mind with self-deprecating thoughts so very late into the night. I also enjoy how strange and ugly people can look when you leave me in this haze. They never failed to let us down.
On so many levels you have laid your hands and planted your seeds. The anger, hate, discontent, and embitterment are always there, but they are never accessible. I can never reach far enough to use or remove them. You hid them well, and I figured it would be polite of me to mention the job you are doing on me. I still hang onto my dreams and aspirations, but it seems as though you have convinced me that I am powerless and incapable of reaching them. I don’t even try anymore.
I have to give it you, really. You have even found a way into the lives of those around me. You have seen through them in ways I can’t imagine. You have caused me to hurt so many people around that it’s alarming. I hope that is what you intended, because you accomplished it with a malevolent precision.
Sometimes I like to think that there are things I hide from you, things no one knows or will ever know. Things that only I am safe to know. I, however, recognize now that you have somehow invaded and dissected those precious things. You know my sins and my vices. You know me too well, Insomnia.
Lastly, I would like to ask how you are enjoying this. How are you enjoying my emotions? Do my dreams please you? How about my memory and mood? I wonder if you are taking my pride and wearing it around for all of your friends to see. I would if I were you. Have you used my creativity and imagination to your benefit lately? Because I haven’t been able to; I figured that you had borrowed it. You have even managed to rob me of my physical health as of late. I would like that back sometime, if you don’t mind.
So insomnia my old friend, where are you taking us? I would really like to know. Do you know something that I don’t? I’m beginning to lose hope in you. All I know is that when all is said and done, I hope that you enjoyed the pieces and shards of my life that you drained from my aching bones and plucked from my hardened skin. I didn’t. The process was brutal and too much at times. Watching my physical and mental health slowly and painfully dwindle, I’m sure that you must have gotten a few kicks out of that. We’ll see who gets the last laugh, Insomnia.
Your Friend,
Kyle
P.S.- I’ll check in with you in a few weeks.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
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Not much has been going on lately. I've been working a lot. Summer is in swing and I can't complain. I haven't been updating this thing very much because I have a real journal that I usually conceal my deep dark thoughts and emotions. How cute is that? Pretty damn cute, if you were wondering. I decided to take a break from the little black book and write in this.
Well, tonight I was at work and I decided to go outside, have a break, and catch the sunset. This is something that I regularly do and enjoying doing. I enjoy the way the sky looks at different times of the year and in different places. This sort of thing excites me.
Tonight was especially exciting to me because as the sun set, there was a thunderstorm on the other side of the sky. As I sat there, I could look to the right and see the incredible and vivid purples, pinks, reds, and oranges that the sun gave off in its glorious last moments. To my left, the sky was dark and menacing. There were lightening bolts and I could see the rain falling in the distance like curtain sweeping closer and closer. The sight of these two elements was something that I can’t explain. I wondered if anyone else ever took time to appreciate the small things in life. Maybe those things aren’t necessarily small, maybe they’re immaculate and miraculous. Could it be that people have lost the wonder and imagination that it takes to find the value in something as common as a sunset?
In a world of iPods, myspace, television, three-minutes-or-less pop songs, Clear Channel Radio, and video games, we have no need for wonder and imagination. We are spoon fed someone else’s imagination through the aforementioned mediums. Kids today fill their hands and their minds with flashing lights, poor grammar, and pornographic and demoralizing television shows. No books, no Cowboys and Indians, no tree houses, no more adventure. Kids are being dumbed down, medicated, and conditioned to slowly and surely slump into the haze and slow burn of their parent’s doldrums lives.
My point is use your mind. Think for yourself. It can seem nearly impossible in today’s society, but you can do it. The most important and fulfilling decisions you could ever make is the decision to be who you are and do what you know is right. Bob Dylan once said “Destiny is a feeling you have that you know something about yourself that nobody else does. The picture you have in your own mind of what you’re about will come true. It’s a kind of a thing that you have to keep to your own self, because it’s a fragile feeling, and you put it out there, then someone will kill it. It’s best to keep that all inside.”
He’s right. Take what you know and follow it. Realize where you came from, who you are, and who you want to become. Use your mind and don’t miss the little things in life. The ones that we let pass us by are usually the ones that uphold the most incredible and significant beauty.
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It's late and I still can't sleep.
I cut off all my hair. Well, not all of it, but a good bit. It got to the point that I was finding food in my hair and it was just driving me crazy. So, problem solved.
Lately, I haven't been sleeping at all. I don't try to stay up or anything, it just sort of happens that way. Insomnia. I've always had trouble with sleep, but lately it has been pretty bad. I feel like my body is trying to punish and destroy itself. I'm not sure. Maybe it's getting back at me for all the dumb things I have done to it in the past. Can't blame it.
The problem with not sleeping, at least for me, is that it turns you inside out. All day, I'm in some sort of altered state where nothing at all matters and emotion and pain are almost completely absent. I feel nothing and I see no good in anything around me. I am numb to most anything and find it extremely hard to take interest in anything. I make careless decisions and I don't think before speaking. I act on impulse.
These things slowly and painfully destroy my relationships, my motivation, my self-worth and self esteem, and push me farther and farther from the people that I want to be close to. I am, by nature, reserved and slow to trust people and I always seem to have an uncanny ability to distance myself from the people that I actually care about.
There are very few people that I let in close to me anyways, and I feel like I'm pushing them away. So, if I have or am doing this to you, all apologies. It is not intentional and I guaruntee it is not how I would have it.
I don't think I have anything else to say. Goodnight.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I don’t know why, put I am extremely angry right now. Lately I’ve been having some strange mood swings, probably due to a lack of sleep.
I have been realizing a lot of things recently. I am realizing how much I hate my generation. I was at the mall today and just walking around was painful. Going into the music store was painful. Going into retail and clothing stores was painful. Drinking a 4 dollar cup of coffee was brutal. I don’t like many things at all.
First of all, I am sick to death of scene kids and ‘punk rock’ kids. I used to easily identify with those types, but now I cannot stand them. I love old school punk rock and it’s mostly what I listen to and have always listened to, but today it has become played out, laid out, and faked out so much that it’s sickening. Some kid spikes his hair, wears a lock around his neck, gets a torn up t-shirt and a leather jacket, claims to be a drug user, and he is magically Sid Viscous. And of course, we all applaud, kudos, comment, (insert internet term here) him to approve of his originality. I got news for everyone, punk rock was bought sold and paid for a long time ago, so fuck off. It’s no longer a counterculture by any means. You aren’t dangerous so don’t pretend to be.
Secondly, when did the clothes you wear, the tattoos and piercings you have, and the equipment you play on make more of a statement than the music you create? Its bullshit and I am sick of it. And when did it become trendy to disseminate your political views in between songs? Shut the fuck up and play.
Teenage drama. Oh how I long for the days of high school. Not really, but I would like to thank each and every teenage girl who opts to remind me every single time you open your mouth. I got news for you; your life isn’t bad. No matter how much you think he likes Stacy (lolz) or how much you miss your old ‘crew’ or how bad you want picture comments, there is always someone who has it ten times worse than you. If you are an overdramatic, brooding, self absorbed girl, stay as far away from me as possible. I don’t want to hear about who is cheating on whom, who is drinking what, who is or is not a friend of whom, or even who doesn’t like me. I don't want anything at all to do with you, or anyone surrounding you. Shut the hell up, go back to the suburbs, and watch Laguna Beach. What’s done is done and what will happen will happen. Get over it.
I need a nap. And a cookie.
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Spots in my brain and holes in time cleared up the rain. Minutes and daydreams sipped off the roundtables and broken promises that fill her hands with unlit cigarettes and stories to tell. I hope night time lets her through to begin my time of wonder in a world that is hers. Behind the thin white skin under the bright white heat is a pretty little pair of eyes that dance around without their clothes and a smile that she tries to hide. Cracks in the sky let the paper moon show its fragile face for a moment as she floats through my circus mind. When I’m sad I know she’ll come to me and ask me to take what I need. Her belfry has an arch and her rooftop is flat. I’ve got half the time and half of a peace of mind to make this last.
In the windows of the seas, behind the curtain of time, between the false hope of a rhyme, just after the dark dusty breaches of insanity, is where you dispose of your dreams. So don’t forget that all the places me and my friends go to hide our faces and all the things we did to kill the pain, they did no good when the rain came. Out of all my addictions, music was always my favorite sickness.
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maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
And she and I would sleep on a boat
And swim in the sea without clothes
With rain falling fast on the sea
While she was swimming away, she'd be winking at me
Telling me it would all be okay
Out on the horizon and fading away
And I'd swim to the boat and I'd laugh
I gotta get me a Sylvia Plath
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Bat those eyes girl, no surprise
Don’t waste the breath, don’t try
Lead those words down past your teeth
and keep count of each and every lie
Three chords and no melody
Downbeat on the Up beat
Long locks and Mohawks
Purple hair and dancing feet
Tv screen teen prodigy
Making millions not a feeling
Smiling sunshine singing solo
But there’s only one thing I see
Newspapers news is never new
Daydream sipping, time to do
Leaughing lovers, lying undone
Down on a high, bigger than you
Silverspoons serving you
Fed sterile truth and tainted food
Battered confidence, calling out
For another hit, something to do
Pre-teen stripper neo-hipster
Splattered all over a magazine
Broken back, dirty filthy habit
Chose your poison, suit your need
Political preacher look you in the eye
Fur coat frilled thrill of a wife
Head full of thoughtless thoughts
So quick judge, so fast to deny
I’m sick, sick to death of it all
Cocaine queen teenage dream
Quick salvation for your need
Laughing lawyers in a corporate office
Recorded sales to chose your speed
It seems you have sold out the scene
You broke down, headed for the machine
Turned in your voice for a pocket full of green
Broke their hearts, broke their unity
I'm sick of it all
I'm sick of this poem
and I'm sick of this song
I'm sick of my voice
and I'm sick this place
I'm sick to death of being sick of it all
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Today I was at work, and I began talking with another co-worker and friend, John. We talk about food. We talk about women. We talk about our job. We talk about beer. Useless things. Small talk.
John, being the ever-so-polite gent that he is, noticed an elderly black man across the aisle who was wearing a hat that said "Vietnam Veteran" and had his ranking and whatnot printed underneath. John walks up to the man, and says "Hello sir, I just wanted to thank you for your service to our Country."
Being the unsocial and slightly misanthropic man-boy that I am, I stood at a distance and watched.
The mans face turned to stone. His eyes glazed over, and his mouth quivered, as if he was trying to speak, but couldn't seem to find which words to say or how to say them. The man was terrified. By what? One can only imagine the terrors he witnessed.
After a brief, yet staggering silence, the man spoke. He spoke in a timbre that one would not expect to come from a veteran, or a frightened child. It was the tone of a man who had faced an ungodly and heinous amount of death, and lived to tell about it.
And what did he say?
"They spit on me. They spit on me when I got home."
He said it just like it happened yesterday.
"I didn't want to fight that war. I was only 18. I was a boy. Men in suits, those are the ones who should have fought that war, it was theirs. But it was me, they made me do it. And I did."
And that was all he said.
That made me think. No matter how much I am against war, and no matter how much I advocate peace, I still cannot ever lose respect for those who are forced to fight these bloody wars. It is an atrocity and a shame, but no one asks to be put in that situation.
Don't hate the soldiers, but the men who put them there. Greedy, arrogant, corporate, dickless, self-serving menaces who we somehow tolerate. These are the men that we should be spitting on.
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Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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I think I smell a rat.
Don't let me down
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  crazy. | | Music: | stooges. |
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THINGS I MISS
Being a kid
This place
This guy
And these
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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I tried to write a song
but I lost the confidence in between
so I just held my fingers against a guitar my father gave me
and thought of all the different chords stuck in between my fingers.
I tried to lie and tried to die but I just ended up asking why.
In this town you’re either hooked on Jesus or high on coke,
and no one ever comes to this side of town unless you’re looking for dope.
I’m dying to forget what I shouldn’t remember
and I’m remembering to die for what I am forgetting.
Now I’m lonely, walking down Elizabeth Avenue
and I see the preacher from tv strolling by.
You know he’s got 3 houses 5 cars and nothing for you;
a wife, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and a woman on the side.
He sees the devil in the mirror
but swears to God that he has nothing to hide.
Johnny D. sat me down, explaining one night on coke
he was having too much fun until the levy broke.
Now he spends his nights sitting at the end of the bar
saying “one shot, one beer, and someone to help me to my car”.
I’ll never forget seeing him as a child, oh the crowd would go wild.
Playing those songs the best way he can,
they loved him, learned all his songs.
Until he said they were about another man.
Now his legs are broke and his sight is gone.
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kylelovesrancid's journal
satisfied.
contemplative.
apathetic.
accomplished.
drained.
confused.